Solving their problem versus teaching kids how to problem solve

This month’s newsletter was written by Catherine Cook, MHC, inspired by the group therapy program she is currently running, focused on helping children learn and understand how to be angry.

It's easy to solve small problems for children in an effort to be helpful or to make the day move along, but problem solving is a skill to be learned, and is a process that takes a lot of practice. When you can, working through the problem-solving steps described below by Catherine offers opportunity for children and adolescents to practice learning how you solve problems. When you're short on time, consider responding with "what should we do about that?" when your child or adolescent states a problem (instead of offering a solution right away), to start the process of them thinking about the problem and potential ways to solve it. Learning how to solve problems, instead of waiting for someone else to solve it for you, helps build independent and resilient individuals.

Thanks, as always, for reading!

Dr. Kate

Problem solving is a life skill. It is used constantly from deciding what to make for dinner to where to attend college to how to resolve conflicts. Problem solving can be broken down into 5 steps that can be worked on individually or together as a family. 

1. Identify the Problem: What is the specific problem that needs solved? The more specific the answer is, the easier it will be to brainstorm possible solutions. It is also helpful to identify the size of the problem as the size of the problem will influence the type of solutions you consider. 

   1. Small: A small problem can be solved individually in a short time frame. For example - I'm not sure what to wear today. Or, the kid tapping his pencil is bothering me.

   2. Medium: A medium problem may need someone else to help resolve the situation and can take more time to resolve. For example, when you are composing an important email, you will take extra care with writing and may want someone to review it before sending. Or, the kid sitting next to you does not stop tapping his pencil after you’ve asked kindly. You might consider asking a teacher to help you.

   3. Large: A large problem requires extra support and takes longer to resolve. This includes bullying, high behavior challenges, or high conflict situations. The answer is not as easy to find and it can take several attempts to find a solution.

2. Brainstorm Solutions: No ideas are off the table. You and your child can lay out all solutions that come to mind, no matter how silly. (In fact, using humor can help alleviate the pressure of problem solving.) This is an important step because it helps empower your child to recognize that they have skills to find solutions. It also teaches you what your child’s natural inclination is towards problem solving.

3. Evaluate: Go through the solutions one by one. Consider the pros and cons to acting upon each idea. Will it help or harm the situation or keep the situation status quo? Allow your child to take control of considering the pros and cons. Be there for guidance as needed. Again, the goal is to empower the child to recognize that they have the skills needed to work through this and that you are there to support them. Select the solution that appears to have the best potential outcome. Remember, we can never promise what the outcome will be.

4. Try it Out: Put the solution to the test by practicing it in real life. Remember, sometimes you need to practice the solution several times before you know if it works or not.

5. Re-evaluate: Did your solution work? Did you get the desired result? If you didn’t get the result you hoped for, start the steps over. It is not uncommon to run through these steps multiple times before you find something that works. Problem solving is hard work and it takes time.

As parents it can be easy to jump in and fix the problem for your child. The time spent working through problem solving skills with your child teaches skills that last a lifetime. It is time well spent.