Happy April! Catherine Cook is back this month with a parenting tip. Before I leave it to Catherine, I wanted to mention that her newsletter this month is a great segway into our newest group therapy program that's in the works at the RRC (it's almost as if we planned it that way!). This time, the group is for parents! Please be sure to vote below if you're interested.
When I was 19 I received some advice that I still rely on today. My therapist listened patiently as I complained about my life and things not going my way. She responded to me with one question. “How long are you going to bang your head against the wall?” Her question showed me that I am metaphorically banging my head against the wall for what I cannot change or control. Some things are out of my hands. And I can give myself a massive metaphorical headache or I can choose a different way.
As a parent, a friend of parents, and working with parents, I see a similar pattern creep up. There is a set idea of who our children should be, how they should behave, and what they can do. These ideals are typically wonderful and based on desires to see our children live to the best versions of themselves. In the process, we metaphorically bang our heads against the wall trying to fit our children into the version we hope for them. The reality is that we have minimal control over our children. This does not mean we give up, it means we choose another way.
We need to learn to accept our children as they are. As Ross Greene puts it “kids do well when they can” and at any given moment they are doing their best. We accept that at this moment my children’s best may be to sit and cry and pour out their emotions. It might be eating their dinner without complaint or completing their homework on time. And this can also mean, their best is to do one math problem, take a 15-minute break, and come back to another problem. Or it could mean sitting alone in their room and reading instead of facing a tough conversation. And yes, even the yelling can be their best strategy at the moment.
If as parents we accept that our kids are doing their best at any given moment with the tools they have, we then create a launching point for ourselves and for them. When we choose to accept we can then act. We change the narrative and can move to a place of validation, connection, and problem solving. Acceptance shows our children that we see them, the full version of them. It shows them you are a team player, and it opens opportunities to come together.
Just as with ourselves, doing well changes moment to moment. We need to hold acceptance for the constant roller coaster we ride with our children. Banging my head against the metaphorical wall will not help me or my children. It is going to keep us in a rut. I need to grab my ice pack to calm that goose egg growing on my forehead (and my nerves), take a moment for me to regulate (chocolate, yes please), and turn to my children and say “I see you. I accept you. I love you. And let’s work together.” And let’s be real, they could use that ice pack and piece of chocolate too.
Just as “kids do well when they can,” parents and caregivers do well when they can. To help you through this process, Carrie Gardner, LMHC is opening up a parents and caregivers support group. She has two questions for you to get the ball rolling on this new and exciting program:
Are you interested in a supportive/processing group or skills based group? Please vote below.
What topics would you be most interested in? You can reply to this newsletter email with any topics you would like to be covered, share your response with your therapist at the RRC or fill out a group therapy survey in the waiting room at the RRC.
What type of group would you be most interested in?
Supportive/Processing
Skills based
Comments